


Pink Rabbits

by sinshine



Series: Pink Rabbits [3]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fix-It, M/M, Mutual Pining, Romance, Sleepwalking, ch. 179 au, kaneki is asleep for 4 years instead of 2 weeks, past token, saiko and hsiao are girlfriends and no one can stop me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-06-26 00:02:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15651651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinshine/pseuds/sinshine
Summary: “Really? I- I’m happy to see you too, Hide.” Kaneki’s voice was faint but hopeful. He tucked a lock of hair behind his ear and tugged on it. “I, uh, I really wanted to talk to you. About that fight we had before you left.”“We don’t have to talk about it,” Hide said quickly. “It doesn’t- it’s fine. I want things to be like normal between us.”[Kaneki struggles to find his place in a world that no longer needs him and realizes that he belongs at Hide’s side. Hide is less than convinced.]





	1. Old Friends

At the end of Hide’s third day in Yamanouchi, he felt like he was finally getting into the vacation spirit. The sleepy mountain town was currently devoid of the tourists that would flood its streets a few months from now. Luckily, Hide thought that some peace and quiet was exactly what he needed.

After the sun had set, Hide left the izakaya and began the long walk back to the house on the outside of town. He avoided the main road and kept to the back streets, taking time to enjoy the sights of an unfamiliar place. Darkened buildings lined either side of the brick roads, just wide enough for a car to pass through. Many of the restaurants and shops were closed during the off season, but Hide liked how he could hear the sound of the river from anywhere in town. He also liked the snow and how it was so cold here that no one would ask him why he never took off his scarf.

The buildings thinned and Hide followed a paved road leading out of town and into the woods. The house wasn’t actually all that far back; it was hidden behind enough trees to offer some privacy, but it wasn’t so far that you couldn’t hear the river. The first time Hide had come here, Marude had brought him to hide from the Washuu. Ironically, the western-style vacation home had actually belonged to the Washuu family.

 _(‘Is it really a good idea for me to be here??’_ Hide waved his notepad in Marude’s face. His mouth had finally healed well enough for him to begin eating solid food and he used his newfound energy to annoy Marude as much as possible.

Marude swatted him away with the hand that wasn’t holding a lit cigarette. “It’s been years since anyone’s been up here. It’s the last place those idiots will think to look.”)

Thinking of Marude made him feel a little guilty, so Hide thought instead about the hiking trail that he wanted to visit tomorrow. He felt pleasantly warmed by the alcohol in his stomach and didn't think much of the lights that illuminated the first floor of the house. His delightfully fuzzy brain neglected to register anything unusual as he passed through the living room to the kitchen, making a beeline for the refrigerator. He hummed to himself as he opened the freezer and pushed aside a stack of frozen burritos, looking for the icepops.

"Nagachika."

Hide’s movements stilled. He slowly turned his head and looked around the kitchen but saw nothing. "...God?"

"Keep turning."

Hide reluctantly removed his arms from the freezer so that he could turn all the way around. There, seated at the kitchen table, were Urie and Hsiao. They each had a cup of coffee and were watching him curiously.

“Uh, hey. What is up, fellow kids?” Hide laughed awkwardly and leaned on the closest countertop. He miscalculated the distance and came down hard on his elbow. Hsiao raised an eyebrow and Urie sighed.

“What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing. A-and I am!” Hide pointed an accusatory finger at them. “What. Are you doing. Here?”

“PTO,” Hsiao answered without inflection.

“So you brought _this_ guy along?” Hide indicated Urie with a nod of his head. “Where’s your hunny bunny?”

“Saiko went into town. She’s looking into getting us a room at an onsen.” Hsiao’s expression remained the same, but her eyes sparkled when she talked about her girlfriend.

“Nice!”

“Nagachika, you’re still scheduled to be in the United States for two more weeks. What are you doing in Yamanouchi?” Urie cut in impatiently.

“I’m afraid I had to end my year-long world tour just a few weeks short.” Hide sat down on the rug in front of the sink, feeling uncomfortably sobered by their conversation. “There was a bombing at the embassy I was staying at.”

“We know that,” Urie said carefully, displaying an unusual amount of patience, “But you told Marude that you’d be spending the extra time on holiday in California.”

“Well, I obviously lied. I dunno what else to tell you, son.” Hide shrugged and looked down at the rug as he picked at its frayed edges.

Urie and Hsiao must have exchanged some unknown signal, because she excused herself and left the kitchen. As her footsteps faded on the stairs, Hide heard the scrape of Urie’s chair on the kitchen tile.

“Hey.” Urie sat down next to Hide on the floor, leaning back against the cabinets. “What the fuck did you do to the front door?”

“I lost my key.” Hide chuckled at his own joke. When he arrived at the house three days ago, jetlagged and travel-weary, he had failed to remember which of the decorative rocks out front was the one that contained the spare key. Hide’s plan B was to smash his way in with the next rock to find its way into his hand. He shattered the stained glass window in the front door and unlocked it from there. “I patched it up with duct tape.”

“I noticed.”

They were both quiet for a few minutes, during which Hide continued to pick at the rug and listened to the kitchen faucet drip. Eventually, he asked, “Is Hsiao okay?”

“For the most part. She was looking pretty rough for a while, but the doctors think that she should be able to return to work in a few more months.”

“I’m glad to hear that. I imagine Saiko’s pretty relieved, too.”

“Yeah. Her worrying was getting kind of insufferable.”

Hide laughed a little and Urie smiled.

“I didn’t mean to lie,” Hide confessed. “I was homesick- I’d been gone for a whole year! I thought I would surprise everyone by coming back early. But then when my plane landed in Tokyo, I... and I just… I don’t know. I decided to go north and disappear into the mountains.”

Hide thought about his empty apartment in the heart of Tokyo, dark and untouched for more than a year. He thought about returning to work at the TSC and going through the motions of catching up with his coworkers and their social lives. He thought about slipping back into a routine in which he would go to work, go home, eat alone, and sleep alone day after day.

“Anyway, what are you guys actually doing out here? Are you, like, a third in their relationship now?” Hide waggled his eyebrows and felt gratified when Urie rolled his eyes.

“Like Hsiao said, they’re on vacation. I’m just helping them get set up.”

“Set up?”

“Yes.” Urie was starting to look uncomfortable. It was the sort of discomfort that Hide was used to seeing on him whenever there was an emotionally-charged situation that he wasn’t prepared to handle.

“Does this have something to do with Kaneki?” Hide didn’t want to be right, but he knew that he was from the way Urie stiffened.

“He’s upstairs. Sleeping.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Sasaki had another surgery last week. Since Hsiao and Saiko were coming up here anyway, they invited him along. Thought he could use a break from the TSC clinic.” Urie gave Hide a searching look as he tried to gauge his reaction. “We didn’t tell him that we found your luggage in one of the bedrooms.”

“Oh,” Hide said again. He let out a long sigh and grabbed onto the counter to hoist himself back up. “Thanks, Urie. I’ll be on the first train outta here in the morning. Had I known you were coming, I wouldn’t have taken the time to shovel the front walk.”

“You know that we’re all happy you’re here and that you’re welcome to stay,” Urie said abruptly, “And I’m not going to pretend that I understand your relationship with Sasaki, but even you must realize how stupid this looks.”

Hide said nothing, but his eyes were apologetic as he extended a hand out to Urie. Urie allowed himself to be pulled to his feet and then used his grip on Hide’s hand to pull him into a hug. Hide stiffened, then went slack all at once. He leaned into Urie’s embrace, but left his arms hanging loose at his sides.

“Welcome back, Hide.”

“I’m home.”

. . . . . . . . . .

 

Hide woke to the alarm on his cell phone at 5:00 the following morning. It was far earlier than he needed to be up, but he thought that a cold walk to the station would help to clear his head. He had already packed the night before, so all he needed to do was get dressed and head out. He felt a little guilty about not waiting up for Saiko, but he had assured Urie that he would get in touch with her when she returned to Tokyo.

Hide quietly carried his suitcase downstairs and made a brief detour through the kitchen to grab a can of coffee from the fridge. He was just about to pop it open when he was startled by the creak of the floor in the living room. Hide froze for a moment, straining his ears to listen. When the silence stretched on, he set the coffee aside and peeked around the door frame into the living room.

Standing motionless in the middle of the room, was Kaneki. His posture was slumped and he seemed to be staring at nothing, his eyes glazed and half-lidded. He was still dressed for sleep, wearing an oversized jumper and flannel pants, but only one sock. Hide cleared his throat but Kaneki gave no indication that he had heard him. He swayed a little, as though moved by some invisible breeze, but otherwise remained the same. Hide tried calling out to him in a quiet voice. When there was no reaction, he took a few steps closer and tried again at a louder volume.

“Kaneki.”

Kaneki straightened at the sound of his name but struggled to focus. He looked around the living room in a distracted manner, his eyes lingering on a decorative piece of wall art before finally finding Hide in his field of vision.

“Hide,” Kaneki greeted him. His expression brightened and his mouth curved into a gentle smile.

Hide struggled to breathe normally as his heart leapt into his throat. It had been a long time since Kaneki last looked at him like that. “Yo.”

Kaneki started towards Hide, moving sluggishly, but then caught sight of the french doors that lead onto the back porch. He shuffled across the cool floor, still swaying a little with every step. Once there, he steadied himself by pressing the tips of his fingers to the glass and peered into the darkness outside. The world had already begun to glow with the promise of sunrise and he could make out the shapes of trees and the mountains beyond them.

“Where is this?” Kaneki whispered, his breath fogging the glass. His hair had gotten longer in the year since Hide had last seen him.

“Yamanouchi. Northwest of Tokyo, in the mountains.” Hide thought about reaching out to Kaneki and taking his hands into his own to warm them, or maybe brushing his pillow-mussed hair out of his face. He mentally berated himself and stuffed his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt.

“Oh, right. Urie told me that.” Kaneki’s voice was soft and dreamy. “Where are you today?”

“Me?”

“I think… you’re overseas, right? In the United States.”

“I... Yeah. I’m still in the States.” Hide felt a surge of emotion and he suddenly felt like crying. “You- you were thinking about me?”

Kaneki nodded slowly but his gaze was still locked on the world outside. “I’m always thinking about you.”

Since Kaneki wasn’t watching him, Hide took a moment to wipe his eyes on the sleeve of his shirt. He waited until his throat didn’t feel as tight before speaking again.

“C’mon. Let’s get you back in bed before you catch a cold.”

Hide hesitated before placing his hand lightly on the center of Kaneki’s back. He carefully guided him upstairs and into his bedroom. Kaneki closed his eyes as soon as his head hit the pillow, leaving Hide to rearrange the blankets and tuck him in.

When Urie came downstairs twenty minutes later, he was unsurprised to find Hide sitting at the kitchen table with a fresh pot of coffee. He nodded and came very close to looking pleased. “Good. You can help me do the shopping. Did you really think it was okay to only buy icepops and frozen burritos?”

Hide shrugged and leaned back in the chair, folding his hands behind his head. “I’m on vacation. Don’t tell me what to do, mom.

. . . . . . . . . .

 

Hide had always been flattered by how readily the Quinx adopted him as one of their own, though he very rarely allowed himself to indulge in their company. The morning he spent with them felt just like visiting the Chateau.

Urie wanted to go running, so Hide volunteered his expertise as a local guide. They followed the road outside of the house and went farther up the mountain. Up here, the houses were few and far between and they could look down at the town nestled snugly between them and the river on the other side.

Upon their return, Hsiao recruited him for help with making breakfast. Hide tried his best to not be personally offended by the disappointed look that Hsiao gave the frozen burritos. Eventually, he showed her the bread and eggs that he had purchased with the intent of doing at least the minimal amount of meal planning, but then never used. After Hide pointed out where all of the cooking utensils were, Hsiao gave him a hug and kicked him out of the kitchen.

Saiko wasn’t up yet, but Hide found one of her bags in the living room lying open on the floor. Inside was a game console, so Hide spent his time setting it up until Urie was ready to go out again. Strangely, though he had never lived with so many people, Hide thought that he rather liked the sounds of a full house.

 

“Actually, I saw Tsukiyama about a month ago,” Hide said after he shut the car door. He waved to the taxi as it drove off. “We were both at a synthetic meat expo. Even with everything that’s happened, the Tsukiyama name still carries a lot of weight internationally, y’know?”

“He’s a pretty interesting guy,” Urie admitted. He kept pace with Hide as they walked back up the driveway, both of them carrying shopping bags. “I didn’t expect much from him, but he’s turned out to be pretty responsible. The way he was always following Sasaki around...”

“Kaneki’s always had that effect on people,” Hide joked. Urie didn’t laugh.

Hide’s stepped slowed as they approached the house. He came to a stop several paces from the front steps and stared at the duct tape patch that covered a third of the door. He felt a compelling urge to drop everything he was holding and run all the way to the station.

“Hurry up,” Urie groused as he opened the door. The warm smell of freshly made eggs and toast wafted through the air. “Saiko’s been bugging me for those chips you’re holding.”

Hide burst into movement, hurrying up the stairs and kicking the door shut behind him. He passed Urie in the hall, keeping his eyes forward as he rushed by the living room. His hands shook as he opened the refrigerator and began shoving things inside indiscriminately. Footsteps were quickly approaching from the living room.

“ **HIDE** ,” Saiko bellowed in an alarmingly deep voice before throwing herself across the kitchen to embrace Hide in a full body tackle. They managed to avoid crashing into the counter by using Urie as a landing pad.

“Fughkk-!” Urie yelled as the edges of the stylish marble countertops became friends with his ribs.

“I missed you so much!” Saiko wailed as she clung to Hide.“Where have you been, you beautiful globe-trotting unicorn! Did you bring me anything?”

“I missed you too, Saiko.” Hide laughed and pet her head before handing her the bag of chips. Urie shimmied out from where he was pinned against the counter and stared sourly at the two of them as he poured himself a cup of coffee from the pot that Hsiao had brewed.

“Yes, I knew I could count on you! You are the best and I take back all those terrible things I said about you.” Saiko grabbed onto Hide’s wrist and pulled him behind her into the living room. “Look who brought me chips!”

Kaneki and Hide locked eyes across the room. He was wearing the same thing Hide had seen him in earlier, though now his hair was brushed flat and he was wearing both socks and a housecoat. He sat at the edge of a chaise lounge, poised as though he were about to get up. And although he was doing his best to hide it, Hide could see the fear in his eyes.

“Thank you for bringing Saiko the chips,” Kaneki said, his voice carefully even. He paused to swallow. “Hide.”

Hide’s heart hurt. He forgot to respond until Saiko gently squeezed his hand.

“No- no problem! I was just in the neighborhood, so...” Hide laughed awkwardly and rubbed a hand over the back of his head. “This weather is really something, huh? Who knew that the mountains would be so cold!”

Hsiao sat uncomfortably between them on the sofa that she had been sharing with Saiko. It looked as though the amount of second-hand embarrassment she was currently experiencing was nearing dangerous levels.

“Man, that housecoat looks really warm though! Hella plush!” Hide scrambled for conversational material like a shipwrecked sailor grappling for driftwood. “Where can I get one of those?”

“Uh, I have another one upstairs?” Kaneki said before looking embarrassed for having made the suggestion.

“Dope! I mean, sure!” Hide nodded a little too enthusiastically and Kaneki stood a little too fast and made his way towards the stairs. Saiko gave Hide a consoling pat on the arm as he followed Kaneki out of the room. He was in no way prepared to be alone with Kaneki yet, but there was no way to back out now without making the situation even weirder.

Kaneki took the stairs slowly and held onto the handrail. “Tsukiyama sends me one every time I have an operation. The first time it happened, it was a nice gesture. Now I have five and I can’t tell if it’s a joke or not. Er, but I only brought along two of them.”

“That sounds like Tsukiyama,” Hide said. “I, uh, saw him about a month ago.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. He looked...” Hide remembered how tired Tsukiyama had seemed. “He looked about the same as always. Still dapper as hell.”

“That sounds like Tsukiyama,” Kaneki agreed.

Kaneki lead Hide into his bedroom, pausing only slightly before he crossed the threshold. It looked just as it had earlier that morning: the bed was unmade and a suitcase was open on the floor, its contents overflowing. Paperback books and pill bottles were stacked on the nightstand. The curtains were still drawn shut and Kaneki seemed to harbor no intention of ever opening them since he turned on a lamp for light. As Kaneki sat on the floor to dig through his belongings, Hide watched the way his white hair fell in front of his face, hiding his eyes.

“Your hair is getting long. It’s almost past your shoulders now,” Hide remarked. “You trying to look like a dating sim character?”

“Saiko said something like that, too.” Kaneki didn’t raise his head when he spoke, keeping his face hidden as he continued to search. “Does it look that bad?”

“No, it looks really pretty- nice. Your hair is pretty nice.” Hide wondered how scientifically likely it would be for the earth to spontaneously open up and swallow him whole.

Kaneki accidentally dropped the toiletries bag he was holding, but then left it where it had fallen as though he had meant to do that. “Thank you.”

By the time Kaneki finally extracted the other housecoat, Hide had managed to rearrange his features into something carefully neutral.

“Thanks.” Hide accepted the unexpectedly soft but very orange item from him. “Oh, this is actually really nice.”

A nervous giggle escaped Kaneki and he covered his mouth with his hand. “Sorry. I could tell that you just wanted to leave the living room.”

“Dude, these kids are so nosy!” Hide jerked a thumb over his shoulder. “I mean, I’m glad to see everyone, but twelve hours ago I still thought that I had another week of quiet mountain-living and sight-seeing ahead of me!”

“Sorry,” Kaneki said again, with a wry smile.

“No, I... I am glad to see you, Kaneki.” Hide hugged the housecoat to his chest and looked down at Kaneki’s toiletry bag.

“Really? I- I’m happy to see you too, Hide.” Kaneki’s voice was faint but hopeful. He tucked a lock of hair behind his ear and tugged on it. “I, uh, I really wanted to talk to you. About that fight we had before you left.”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Hide said quickly. “It doesn’t- it’s fine. I want things to be like normal between us.”

Kaneki opened and closed his mouth wordlessly and Hide knew that he had successfully derailed whatever speech he had been gearing himself up to make. Kaneki crossed his arms over his chest and nodded. “Oh. Okay. That’s- okay, then.”

“Okay!” Hide raised his arm, but then was unsure of what he intended to do with it. His hand fluttered in the air for a moment before coming down to pat Kaneki on the shoulder. “I’m gonna change into my jam-jams, put this beautiful orange monstrosity on, and then we can spend the day pretending to smoke cigars and using wine glasses for all of our beverages.”

“Okay,” Kaneki echoed. He tried to say something else but Hide bounded out of the bedroom and across the hall into his own, closing the door behind him.

. . . . . . . . . .


	2. Paper Boats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The river always finds the sea  
> So helplessly  
> Like you find me

“Y’know, you’ve been doing an awful lot of vacation-y stuff for a guy who ‘just came to set things up.’” Hide nudged Urie’s arm affectionately with his own, leaning into him as they walked.

“Really?” Urie mused. “I’ve been thinking of it as ‘chaperoning.’”

Hide gasped indignantly and Urie hid a smile behind his scarf.

The days passed by more quickly than Hide would have thought possible. The five of them spent their time together in a series of leisurely meals, sightseeing, and fighting for space under the kotatsu. They used their first weekend to visit a nature preserve that was only an hour’s walk away and famous for its monkeys. Hide had actually been thinking about going over to Nagano during the weekend for a bit of city life, but ultimately decided to stay in town. As he walked back down the long trail leading out of the preserve, surrounded by people who almost felt like family, he knew that he had made the right choice.

“Don’t worry, Hide. I know that Urie loves us,” Saiko said consolingly. She and Hsiao followed behind them, hands clasped together. “Tragically, his body has a rare condition where the heart is three times too small.”

“Like the Grinch!” Hide gasped and tugged dramatically at the earflaps of his trapper hat.

“Don’t bring my body into this,” Urie protested.

“If poor Urie ever expresses too much affection, his heart will explode in his chest!” Saiko punctuated this revelation with an explosive sound.

“You are so brave.” Hide pretended to wipe a tear from his eye.

“Fuck you.”

“No swearing!” Kaneki chided. He smiled and waved apologetically at a parent who passed by with her two children, frowning disapprovingly at the lot of them.

“I’m sure you’ll grow out of it. It’s just something that all teenagers have to go through,” Hide said with the air of one who is older and therefore wiser.

“Nagachika, how old do you think I am?”

“Judging by your angst levels, I’d say... sixteen?”

Kaneki quickly cut in before Urie could start swearing again. “It’s twenty-seven today, right?”

Urie blinked in surprise. “You remembered.”

“Yup. That’s why we saved the monkey park for today,” Saiko chirped.

“My birthday gift was an outing to the monkey park?”

“I thought you wanted to see the monkeys,” Kaneki said quietly.

“I did want to see the monkeys,” Urie grumbled. His cheekbones, just visible above his scarf, flushed red.

Kaneki started to laugh, but stopped when he noticed Hide watching him. Hide winked and Kaneki flushed with embarrassment and looked away, casting his gaze out into the snow-covered forest surrounding them. The trees were thinning out as they neared the end of the trail, back at the bottom of the mountain. There were more people down here than there had been in the park, crowding the few tourist stalls and huddling inside the restaurants. Saiko tugged on Hsiao’s hand and pointed excitedly at a sign for hot wine.

With the Quinx around, it had been easy for Kaneki and Hide to fall back into a familiar rhythm. Despite Kaneki’s misgivings, it had taken them only a few hours of being reunited before they were back to joking around like they were teenagers again. Kaneki thought it was strange at first, considering how much remained unsaid between them, but then he realized that it had always sort of been like that. No matter what else was going on, Hide was able to maintain a levity that kept their friendship afloat through any situation.

The familiarity was nice enough. However, there was a new aspect to their relationship: Sometimes, Hide would say or do something seemingly innocuous and Kaneki would become fixated. A glance from Hide would make his heart beat faster. Or something he said would be replayed in Kaneki's mind; dissecting his sentences and pulling apart their syntax in the search for something _more_.

Also, there was this: Hide did not touch him. Or if he did, it was briefly and with as little contact as possible. It wasn’t as though he couldn't understand why, so Kaneki said nothing and bore it silently. He watched the way Hide would ruffle Saiko’s hair or clap Urie on the back and it was fine. This was fine.

Kaneki watched Hide lean into Urie as he shivered and complained about the cold. He looked at Urie’s dark hair and wondered miserably if Hide preferred taller men.

“What?” Urie asked when he noticed Kaneki staring.

“I was just thinking about how tall you’ve gotten.” Kaneki smiled and Urie narrowed his eyes at him

“Hm. Well, I’m heading off for a bit. For my actual birthday gift, you all can leave me alone for a few hours.”

Hide and Saiko instantly began to protest. Urie held up his hands in surrender, though he did look amused at having riled them up. “I mean, there’s a shine nearby and I want to do some sketching for a bit. _Quiet_ sketching.”

“Just what are you trying to say, Uri-boi?” Hide teased him.

“You have been pretty social today, so I guess that’s fair. But first, you must pay the hot wine toll!” Saiko held out her hand, encased in a fluffy pink mitten, and wriggled her fingers. Urie reached into his pocket and then deposited a 500 yen coin onto her palm. “Thank you, you are free to go.”

“I’ll be back later.” Urie adjusted the strap on his shoulder bag and turned away. He headed towards a trail that would lead him deeper into the woods before circling back into town. The rest of the group watched his retreating form.

“Y’know, I think he actually enjoyed himself today,” Hide said.

“Me too. I honestly thought he’d have gone back to Tokyo by now,” Kaneki admitted.

“He might, now that he’s seen the monkeys.” Hsiao put a hand next to her mouth and added in a stage whisper, “I sat next to him on the train. He kept double-checking the park information on his phone.”

“Hah, I’m gonna get him something really weird and monkey-themed from one of these shops. But first, food!” Saiko pointed enthusiastically towards the closest restaurant.

“Ah, it’s lunchtime, isn’t it?”

Kaneki looked apprehensively at a sign advertising lunch specials. He had been fine with sharing meals in the house- especially since Urie had been on the same meat-only diet for a few years now- but he still avoided going into restaurants.

“I’ll walk back to the house with you,” Hide said.

“I don’t want to trouble you. If you’re hungry, you should--”

“It’s fine. I’m not a fan of restaurants either.”

“Oh,” Kaneki said. He glanced at Hide’s scarf and then immediately looked guilty for having done so.

Hsiao cleared her throat. “Well then, see you back at the house.”

They said their goodbyes and separated. Hsiao watched as Hide took the lead, cutting a path through the crowd. Kaneki trailed after, following a few steps behind.

“What’s going on with those two?”

Saiko shrugged.  “ Dunno.  Wish they’d bang it out tho. ”

. . . . . . . . . .

  


Hide and Kaneki could have hired a taxi, but neither of them said a word when they passed by the queue in the parking lot. They silently decided on taking a more scenic route that would lead them along the river before guiding them back into town. It was early February and snow lay heavily on the ground, crunching underneath each footstep.

“Tokyo sure doesn’t get snow like this, huh?” Hide hated that he had fallen back on talking about the weather again, but Kaneki didn’t seem to mind.

“It’s beautiful,” Kaneki breathed. His words were carried away in a vanishing puff of steam. “I really like it here.”

“Me too. It’s gonna suck to go back to the city after living in a winter wonderland.”

“Ha, just because of this town?” Kaneki kicked halfheartedly at a lump of snow. Hide raised an eyebrow at him, so he continued, “Y’know, because you’ve been all over the world. I doubt that Yamanouchi is the only place you’ve been that’s better than Tokyo.”

“I guess.”

“You guess.” Kaneki laughed a little. “You’ve been to Bangkok, New York, Istanbul... And the stories you’ve told this week! Hide, you’ve done some incredible things.”

Hide shrugged. “I wasn’t there for sightseeing. I mean, I definitely did some sightseeing, but it was work. The worst part was never being in the same timezone for longer than two weeks.”

“I’m not saying that it wasn’t hard,” Kaneki consented. He slowed to a stop and looked out over the river.

Hide stopped too. Without the sound of the snow crunching beneath their steps, the river seemed much louder. A breeze picked up and tugged at Kaneki's hair so that Hide could clearly see the crooked mark that ran from his left eye down to his jaw.

“It’s just... This is the farthest I’ve ever traveled from the place where I was born and it’s only two and a half hours by train,” Kaneki confessed, his voice almost inaudible over the sound of moving water. “Tokyo is where I was born, where I went to school, and where I still live. I’ve lived there my entire life. I guess I’m a little jealous, is all.”

Hide realized that he had unconsciously moved closer to Kaneki to hear him better. He took a step back and began walking down the road again. “Jealous? I thought you only felt that way when you saw someone with the hardback version of a novel you wanted.”

“Absolutely.” Kaneki smiled, turning away from the river to follow Hide. “But there are other things, too. I’m afraid that it’s a feeling I’ve become very familiar with lately.”

Hide wasn’t sure what that meant. Jealous of a human life, maybe? He waited a moment for Kaneki to catch up to him, then they walked side by side.

“So, Hide,” Kaneki said in a lighter tone of voice, “Now that you’ve seen the world and all, what’s your favorite place that you’ve been?”

“Hmm.” Hide pretended to think it over. There was a place that came immediately to mind, but he didn’t see the point in giving a truthful answer. “Probably my bed.”

“You’re terrible. Okay, how about your favorite restaurant?”

“My refrigerator at four in the morning.”

“Why are you like this.”

The wind picked up again and Kaneki shivered and sneezed. After a moment’s consideration, Hide took off his hat and pushed it onto Kaneki's head. They were quiet as they crossed the bridge back over the river and listened to the sound of water rushing beneath them. As they came back into town, Hide noticed a hanging sign that pointed in the direction of a coffee shop.

“Do you want to get coffee?” Hide hadn’t really meant to say anything; asking had just been a reflex. However, he realized that he actually liked the idea.

“Uh, sure!” Kaneki’s face, already rosy-cheeked from the cold, turned even more red. He looked away, ashamed by his own enthusiastic response.

The sign lead them down an alleyway off of the main road. Kaneki smelled the shop before he saw it, but as they drew close he took notice of a storefront just a bit further down.

“Kaneki?” Hide watched him wander up to the antiques store and peer in through the window at a display.

Like many other shops, it was closed for the off season. Kaneki leaned close to the glass, using his hand to shield his eyes from the sun as he peered into the dark room. The display at the front was filled with an assortment of Cheshire cat items, each one staring back at Kaneki with a large, toothy smile. There were statuettes, doorstops, coat hooks, salt and pepper shakers, and stationery items.

“Creepy,” Hide said as he came up next to Kaneki. He pointed to a manically grinning bronze tabby cat that was also a wine bottle holder. “That one’s my favorite. It’s exactly the kind of weird thing that Akira would have in her apartment. She would unironically think that it was cute and be seriously offended if you didn’t like it.”

Kaneki smiled. “I thought so, too. Well, not all those other things, but they did remind me of Akira. She really liked vending machines with little cat figurines and paraphernalia in them.”

“And what, pray tell, is cat paraphernalia?”

“Like, little hats and things. Cat hats that have rabbit ears or they’re shaped like vegetables and other things.”

“Cat hats.” Hide mused thoughtfully. “But wouldn’t they just fall off?”

“No, there’s usually an elastic band or something...”

As Kaneki tried to remember the finer points of cat hat millinery, he noticed a group of people who were also coming up the alley from the main road. They were undoubtedly headed towards the coffee shop and Kaneki was annoyed by the idea of potentially having to share his coffee date with a neighboring table full of noisy tourists.

“No way!” One of them was saying, “There’s no way you saw _the_ Tokyo ghoul.”

“I did so! He was at the park- that guy with the white hair.”

Kaneki stiffened and he felt the blood drain out of his face. He stared at his reflection in the shop window glass and was glad to be wearing the trapper hat. Hide shifted closer to him and casually wrapped an arm around his shoulders, positioning himself between Kaneki and the tourists’ line of vision.

“White hair? I bet you’re just picking on some punk kid.”

“Or a cosplayer.”

“Ooh, this is the cafe! It’s cute!”

“There aren’t any official pictures of him, but he was in that news clip from awhile ago.” A young woman wearing earmuffs was holding her smartphone up above her head as she and her friends filed into the coffee shop. “Ugh, if I could just get a freakin’ signal.”

“Do you think the Tokyo ghoul has a winter home up here?”

"Right, because even monsters need a vacation sometimes."

The group laughed and the door to the cafe shut behind them, leaving the street silent. Even though they were alone again, Kaneki kept his head bowed. Hide slowly removed his arm from Kaneki's shoulders, concerned that he was about to either cry or run away.

"Kaneki?" Hide prompted gently.

"I'm fine." Kaneki sighed and lifted his head. He was smiling but his eyes were tired. "I'm afraid I've lost my appetite. Would you mind if we went back to the house now?"

"I...” Hide trailed off, not knowing what he wanted to say. “Yeah. Let's go."

. . . . . . . . . .

  


Hide lay awake later that night, staring up at the dark ceiling. Sleep had always been a struggle, but hopping through time zones for a year had turned his circadian rhythm into more of a circadian suggestion. He knew that it would be a while longer before his body adjusted to a regular sleep cycle, especially since he had only been back in Japan for a week. Tonight he had the added bonus of being unable to keep himself from replaying the day’s events in his head.

They had walked the rest of the way back in silence. Hide lead the way, guiding them through the backstreets that he knew would be devoid of tourists. Kaneki followed a few paces behind, wiping tears from his cheeks when he thought that Hide wasn’t looking. When they arrived at the house, Kaneki excused himself and went upstairs, shutting himself in his room.

Hide made himself comfortable on the couch and played video games until Saiko and Hsiao returned a few hours later. When they asked about Kaneki, Hide told them that he had overexerted himself and needed to rest. This wasn’t unusual; Kaneki had been sleeping a lot since his surgery.

Urie didn’t come back until nearly sunset, but he had a smudge of charcoal on his nose and seemed tired but pleased. He was less convinced by Hide’s story but didn’t press for details.

Kaneki didn’t emerge from his room for the rest of the day. Hide thought about his fragile smile and red-rimmed eyes and wondered if he should have said something. He wondered if there was anything he could say that he hadn’t said before.

‘ _You’re not a monster.’_ Obvious and overused.

‘ _Vacation Monsters would be a good name for a band.’_ Too deflective.

‘ _The real monster is misinformation.’_

Hide groaned and rubbed his hands over his face, tired of pretending that he had a chance of falling asleep before three in the morning. He got out of bed and groped around in the dark for the orange housecoat, finding it on the floor at the foot of the bed. Opting for a change of scenery, Hide quietly left his room and went downstairs. He considered heating up a burrito, but maybe hot cocoa would be a better option. Would it be okay to eat this late?

‘ _Okay with whom?’_ Hide thought slyly as he turned towards the kitchen. ‘ _I am an adult and also the oldest in this house. I am the adultiest adult. The final boss adult.’_

Then, as he passed by the living room, Hide saw a figure silhouetted against the french doors. The room was softly illuminated with starlight and it lent its otherworldly glow to the figure’s snow white hair.

Hide’s heart skipped a beat. Kaneki was looking outside and hadn’t seen him, so he could just go back upstairs. He didn’t know what he wanted to say to him. He didn’t know if anything he said would even make a difference.

Eventually, he decided that doing anything was still better than doing nothing. Hide steeled himself and stepped into the living room. It was less dramatic than he would have liked and Kaneki still hadn’t noticed him.

“Kaneki?”

“Hide.” Kaneki's reply was low and soft.

On a hunch, Hide crossed the living room so that he could stand next to him by the doors. In the moonlight, he could see that Kaneki’s expression was just as it had been when Hide found him that first morning. Kaneki's half-lidded eyes stared trance-like out the window.

“Kaneki, what are you doing?”

“Just... looking.”

“Ah.” Hide nodded and tried to follow his line of vision. Kaneki didn’t seem to be looking at anything specific, but Hide noticed the way moonlight sparkled on the snow. “It’s sure is pretty, huh.”

Kaneki didn’t say anything.

“Do the others know that you’ve been sleepwalking? This is the second time I’ve caught you at it. At least you’ve got both your socks on this go.”

Hide wasn’t surprised when Kaneki remained unresponsive. He decided to push a little further to make sure that he really was asleep. “I think it’s a side effect of that sleeping pill you’re on. I know, I shouldn’t have looked at your prescriptions, but you know how nosey I am. And I know that you’re the type to stay up reading instead of going to bed right after you take it, like you ought to.”

“Nosey,” Kaneki said with a small sigh. “That’s why the elephant is here.”

It was absurd, but Hide felt compelled to glance around the room just to double-check. “Nope. No elephant, bud. C’mon, let’s go back to bed.”

Once again, Hide guided Kaneki upstairs and tucked him in. He picked up a book that lay open on the floor- probably having been dropped when Kaneki fell asleep- and put it on the nightstand with the others. Hide lingered this time, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Watching the rhythmic rise and fall of Kaneki’s chest filled him with a sense of nostalgia.

"Even when we were kids, you always were the one to fall asleep first." Hide spoke in a whisper, knowing full well it was a confession that Kaneki would never really hear. "You know, it seems like I've spent a lot of time with you like this, watching over you while you sleep. When you didn't wake up after that dragon battle... when you stayed asleep for four years, I was so scared. I've spent a lot of time doing that too, being scared for you."

Kaneki's nose twitched and his lips parted to form some silent word, but his eyes remained closed. Hide smiled and brushed Kaneki's bangs out of his face, his deft fingers touching only hair and not skin, before clasping his hands together in his lap.

"It's selfish, but when I visited you in the hospital... I wanted so badly for you to know that I was there. That I was waiting for you. I know, you were comatose, but I hoped that maybe you would just sense it and- and come back to me.

“Kaneki, I wish that you could see yourself how I see you. Not as a monster or a burden, but someone strong and capable. Someone who always cares more than he should and who feels other peoples hardships more strongly than his own. Someone who always tries his best, even when the odds are stacked against him. I wish-” Hide put a hand over his mouth to stifle a sound that was half laughter, half sob- “I wish that I knew where I was going with this. Any of it.”

Hide abruptly stood and left the room, softly closing the door on his way out.

  


Kaneki rolled onto his side, pulling the blanket over his head.


	3. Interlace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki sighed as he pushed the window open. He leaned on the sill, resting his chin in his hand. "Why can't you just use the door? Like a person?" 
> 
> "It's more fun this way!" Hide said in a loud whisper.

“Sleepwalking?” Kaneki was about to take a sip of coffee but he set the mug back down on the table.

“Yeah, I’ve seen you at it twice now. Oh- thanks, Hsiao.” Hide accepted the syrup bottle from her and proceeded to drown his plate of pancakes in liquid sugar. He kept his scarf on while he ate, lifting the fabric every time he took a bite. “You really didn’t know?”

“No, I didn’t.” Kaneki frowned. “I don’t think I’ve done it before. Kimi would have said something if it happened while I was at the clinic.”

“Sleepwalking wasn’t on our list of Weird Maman Stuff To Watch For.” Saiko took the syrup from Hide and poured it directly into her coffee.

“A list?”

“Not an actual list,” Urie clarified. He snatched the syrup bottle away from Saiko and placed it in between himself and Kaneki. “Nishino just said that we should keep an eye out for anything that qualifies as being medically unusual. For example, bleeding where there’s not supposed to be bleeding.”

“I bled from my eyes _once_ and now no one will let it go,” Kaneki explained in response to Hide’s incredulous expression.

“What?” Hide almost choked on a mouthful of pancakes. “Like, recently?”

“Because you didn’t say anything about it!” Saiko admonished.

“It was after surgery number four, back in December. I’m obviously not bleeding right now, Hide.” Kaneki frowned as he watched Hide look back and forth from his left eye to his right. “Anyway, what was I doing while I was sleepwalking?”

Hide shrugged and went back to carving up his pancakes. “Nothing, really. Both times you were in the living room, standing by the back doors and looking outside.”

“Did he say anything?” Hsiao asked.

“Hmm… Last night he said something about elephants.” Hide wasn’t sure what to make of the look Hsiao was giving him. “I dunno. I took him back upstairs and that was the end of it.”

“Took him? Like, carried him?”

“No!” Hide coughed and cleared his throat. “I just convinced him to go back to bed.”

“Elephants?” Kaneki muttered to himself. He glanced around the kitchen as though willing a hint or clue to jump out at him.

“Well, at least neither of you fell down the stairs.” Urie frowned and tapped a finger on the rim of his coffee cup. “Sasaki, if you really think it’s an issue, then you should come back to Tokyo with me today.”

“I...” Kaneki glanced at Hide without meaning to. When their eyes met, he quickly looked down at his coffee. This was followed by a brief, awkward silence during which the Quinx exchanged knowing looks.

“Nah, it’ll be fine! Besides, I already have a plan.” Hide twirled his fork in a show of bravado but fumbled it. Hsiao caught the fork before it hit the floor.

“Does this plan involve a copious amount of duct tape?” Hsiao casually twirled the fork, seamlessly spinning it from one finger to the next.

“Why would-? Right, the front door. I should probably call someone about that.” Hide reached for his fork but Hsiao held it away from him.

“Probably,” Hsiao agreed. “Remember, you can call me and Saiko if you need any help tonight. We’re just going to be a few minutes away at the onsen if you need anything.”

“And I appreciate you reminding me of the boundless friendship that we all share, but I will not be calling you because there will not be any problems.” Hide held his hand out, palm up. Hsiao gave him the fork and watched with an amused smile as he tried to mimic a slower version of her spinning. He picked it up quickly and began to move at a faster pace.

“My plan is going to be super good and super amazing, so I will only call to amaze you with how successful and well thought-out it was. Kaneki and I are both going to have a totally fun but also totally safe evening in bed-” Hide’s fingers slipped and the fork clanged noisily against his plate- “in _beds!_ In our beds. _Sleeping_.”

Kaneki inhaled a mouthful of coffee and choked on it, his shoulders shaking as he coughed. Urie slapped him on the back while staring directly at Hide with dead eyes.

“Real subtle, Papan,” Saiko whispered.

Hide sighed, the tips of his ears red. He carefully extracted his fork from his plate, where it had become submerged in a bog of syrup and pancakes.

. . . . . . . . . .

 

Hide stood in the doorway to Urie’s room and watched him finish packing. He had the least amount of luggage out of everyone, so all he had to do was grab his toiletries and shove a few scattered socks back into his duffle bag.

“Y’know, we’re all happy you’re here and you’re welcome to stay,” Hide said, echoing what Urie had told him at the start of the week. When he was pointedly ignored, he ruffled Urie’s hair.

“Hey!” Urie straightened and knocked his hand away. He frowned accusingly at Hide as he smoothed a hand over his hair. “I never intended to stay the full two weeks.”

“Yeah, but- I dunno.” Hide stuck his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “I thought we were having fun.”

Urie hefted the bag onto one shoulder and glanced past Hide to make sure that there was no one out in the hall. “I did have fun, but I think it’s best for me to return to Tokyo.”

Hide suddenly remembered that tomorrow was Valentine’s Day and wondered if that had anything to do with it. He wanted to ask if Urie had plans but wasn’t sure that he would get a response to such a direct question. Instead, he spread his arms in invitation and wriggled his eyebrows. “A hug for the road?”

Urie rolled his eyes and embraced him. Hide politely refrained from laughing when Urie awkwardly pat him on the back to signal when he was done.

“I’ve managed to put it off so far, but I’m going to have to tell Marude that you’re here,” Urie warned him.

“Fair enough. It’s been a while since he’s had an opportunity to scold me.”

“Weird response, but okay.”

Urie paused and looked out into the hall again. Hide watched his fingers drum against his thigh and wondered what he wasn’t saying.

“I’ll see you soon,” Hide assured him, “Now that I’ve been spoiled by Hsiao’s cooking, I’ll be stopping by the chateau pretty often.”

“I’ll hold you to that. And you, er-” Urie cleared his throat- “You don’t have to wait until then. If you want to talk, you do have my number.”

“Yeah?” Hide’s eyes sparkled. “I’ll send you some memes!”

“No.”

“Just the quality ones!”

“ _No._ ”

Together, they went downstairs to the foyer. Hsiao, Saiko, and Kaneki were already there waiting for them.

“Are you ready to go, sweetie?” Saiko cooed at Urie. “Have you got all your socks? Are you dressed warmly?”

“Yes,” Urie said in a low, even tone. “I packed all of my socks and all of yours. Enjoy having no socks.”

Saiko gasped and swooned. “You reprobate! And to think, here I was about to give you a proper send off and walk you all the way to the station.”

“Were you, now?”

“Well, no. But I was going to accompany you at least as far as the onsen.”

“That hardly seems like a proper send off.”

“You’re gonna see me again next week. It doesn’t have to be _that_ proper.”

“Saiko, don’t be mean to your little brother,” Hide said reprovingly. He pat her on the head. “You should go with him and make sure that he doesn’t get lost on his way to the station.

“Ready?” Urie asked Hsiao, apparently done with whatever nonsense his other conversation had devolved into. Hsiao nodded and started nudging Saiko towards the door.

“Thank you for coming out with us.” Kaneki smiled. “Have a safe trip.”

“I have no control over that,” Urie informed him. “But, thank you. And... take care of yourself.”

“Urie.” Hide’s eyes crinkled in a smile.

Urie turned to Hide and nodded curtly. “Nagachika.”

Hide stood out on the front porch, watching the Quinx as they walked down the driveway. Kaneki lingered in the open doorway and heaved a sigh.

“What is it?" Hide asked him.

"Nothing, I guess. Just..."

"Just ‘they grow up so fast’ or something like that?"

Kaneki smiled sadly. "Yeah. I know you and I are only a few years older than them, but it feels like I've missed a lot."

Hide hummed in agreement. Neither of them mentioned how Kaneki's four year coma was definitely a contributing factor to that. As they turned to go back inside, Kaneki caught the hem of Hide's shirt to get his attention. He immediately let go once he realized what he had done.

"Sorry,” Kaneki said quickly, though he wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for. “But, um, would you like to-"

"I've actually got a few reports to finish up," Hide said. "Marude's about to find out that I've been hiding in the mountains, so I'm gonna have to actually turn in some paperwork if I want to keep my head.”

“Oh. Well-”

Kaneki stepped to the side as Hide brushed past him to go back inside the house. Hide bounded up the stairs, never once looking back. Kaneki watched him until he was out of sight, then he closed the front door and sagged against it.

“...Okay.”

. . . . . . . . . .

 

Kaneki wasn’t ready to venture outside of the house again and Hide would not reappear for several more hours, so he spent his afternoon reading. He selected a well-loved paperback from his stack of novels and curled up on the couch, leaning back against one of the arms and propping his book up on bent knees. He had previously preferred using the chaise lounge due to the abundance of sunlight it received, but now its proximity to the French doors made him wary of it.

Sitting in the living room of a large, empty house made Kaneki wistful for his days at the chateau. As Sasaki, it had been a rare treat to read undisturbed out in the great room while the rest of the Quinx were out of the house. Now that Kaneki no longer had that, being alone in a house made him anxious. Back when he was still fully human, he had never been bothered by it and had actually wished to be alone more often than not. But now to have known what it was like to live with a family and lose it…

Kaneki was pulled from his thoughts by the light sound of a bell. He cautiously peeked over the top of his book and saw Hide standing at the edge of the room, idling near a bookcase. Kaneki thought about saying something to him, then changed his mind and raised his book.

There was the sound of a bell again.

Kaneki lowered his book and found that Hide was standing closer. This time he was at the end of the coffee table, merely a step away.

“Hide,” Kaneki said, regarding him with suspicion.

“Kaneki,” Hide responded, matching his tone.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m so glad you asked!” Hide raised his hands, revealing a small bell that was tied to the end of a long string.

“Hide, no.”

“Kaneki, yes.”

Hide approached Kaneki, dangling the bell ominously.

Kaneki eyed him warily. “Hide, I really don’t think this is necessary.”

“Of course it is! Tying a bell to you like you’re an oversized cat is classic sleep-walker prevention.”

“It’s not going to prevent anything if I’m already doing it.”

Now that he was standing over Kaneki, Hide stared down at Kaneki’s sock-less feet and seemed uncertain of what to do next. He held out the bell and string to Kaneki, who made no move to take it.

Kaneki huffed and slumped further down the arm of the couch, returning his attention to the novel propped up on his lap. “If you want to do this so badly, you can tie it on yourself.”

There was a pause and Kaneki stared hard at a spot on the page in front of him. He nearly jumped when he felt Hide’s weight on the couch. Every second that passed was heavy with anticipation until, finally, there was the tickle of string and the barely-there touch of Hide’s fingers moving over his skin. Kaneki felt himself grow warm as Hide looped the string around his ankle with unhurried, deliberate movements and then carefully knotted it.

Kaneki’s cheeks were pink and he hadn’t read one word of his book. It should have been a small thing, but Hide’s hands on his ankle had felt so terribly intimate. He kept thinking about the way Hide had said ‘ _Kaneki, yes_.’

“You’re all set,” Hide said quietly.

“Thanks,” Kaneki muttered.

The room was silent except for the ticking of a clock somewhere. Hide tapped his fingers on the top of his thighs and made to get up from the couch.

“I’m gonna-”

“Could you stay?” Kaneki blurted out, instantly hating how desperate he sounded. “I- I mean, do you think you could do your work down here instead?”

Hide rubbed the back of his neck and glanced around the room. “I dunno. I really need to concentrate...”

“I can be quiet.”

“You _are_ always quiet.”

“Well,” Kaneki gestured vaguely, “There you go, then.”

Their eyes met and Kaneki held his gaze. Slowly, Hide lowered his arm and the tension left his shoulders.

“Yeah, alright. Let me grab my stuff.”

As soon as Hide left the room, Kaneki sprung up from the couch. He had already forgotten about the bell and swore when it jingled as he moved. He crossed the room as quietly as he could- keeping the noisy leg stiff as he hobbled quickly around the furniture- and checked his reflection in a decorative mirror, smoothing his hair flat and centering his shirt collar. When he heard Hide’s footsteps on the stairs, Kaneki went back to his place on the couch. He finished repositioning himself and pretended to be engrossed in his novel just as Hide entered the room.

Hide set his laptop and an armful of notebooks down on the coffee table. He sat down at the other end of the couch and flipped through his notes as the computer booted up.

“So, the bell works,” Hide said, not bothering to hide his amusement.

“Great,” Kaneki said. He lifted the book and pressed its pages to his flushed face.

. . . . . . . . . .

 

Kaneki went to bed that night feeling tentative but hopeful. Even though Hide was still being cautious around him- and Kaneki imagined that he would continue to be so for some time- it was nice to spend time together like this, just the two of them. It was reminiscent of their highschool days, how they would spend hours together quietly reading and studying.

Kaneki woke with a start in the middle of the night. He sat up in bed and surveyed the dark room for whatever had disturbed him. Then he heard it again; a rhythmic tapping on his window. Kaneki shuffled towards the end of his bed with a grumble and yanked on the blinds cord so that they snapped open. Hide grinned at him from the other side of the window.

Kaneki sighed as he pushed the window open. He leaned on the sill, resting his chin in his hand. "Why can't you just use the door? Like a person?"

"It's more fun this way!" Hide said in a loud whisper.

“Fun for whom? I was asleep.”

“Well, since you’re already up, you should come out on the roof with whom.” Hide stepped away from the window, out of Kaneki's line of sight.

“Hide, you know that’s not how to use whom!” Kaneki clicked his tongue and hoisted himself through the window.

Hide hadn’t gone very far. He smiled and pat the space next to where he was sitting. Kaneki came towards him and sat down on the roof, moving carefully.

“What was worth getting me up in the middle of the night for?”

Hide pointed up at the sky. Without the ever-present light pollution that they were accustomed to in Tokyo, an overwhelming amount of stars could be seen overhead. They illuminated the night and even the presence of the gibbous moon could not dampen their glow.

“Wow,” Kaneki breathed. He thought he might have seen a shooting star, but wasn’t sure. He closed his eyes to make a wish anyway and leaned into Hide, resting his head on his shoulder. Hide wrapped an arm around Kaneki and held him close.

“I like having you here, Hide.”

“I like being here. I wish we could do this all the time.”

“Why don’t we? Let’s run away, into the mountains.” Kaneki smiled when felt Hide shake with quiet laughter.

“I guess could get a job in the orchards, in the spring. I like apples, so I’m already qualified.”

“I don’t think they’re hiring for taste testers.”

“It’s called ‘quality control.’”

Kaneki laughed, but then it turned into a yawn.

“Kaneki, I...” Hide gripped Kaneki’s shoulder once before letting his hand drop away. “I just want things to go back to the way they were.”

“I want that, too.” Kaneki reluctantly pulled away from Hide so that he could face him properly, steeling himself for what he wanted to say next. “Hide, I know that our relationship can’t be what it used to be, but... I want it to be more than that.”

“More?”

A sudden feeling of boldness seized him and Kaneki put his hand on top of Hide’s. “Yes. In the future, I-”

“The future? What are you talking about?”

“I- You and me.” Kaneki stumbled over his words. His tongue became like lead in his mouth. “We- We can’t return to the past, but I- I thought-”

Hide jerked his hand away and stood. He took a step closer to the edge, watching the sky with his back to Kaneki. “You want to talk about the elephant in the room, huh? Y’know, I was really hoping that you would be different after I got back, but you never actually change, do you? Same old shit, just a different dye job.”

“H-Hide, _please_.” Kaneki’s entire body felt numb and he struggled to get to his feet. It was as though the heavy feeling in his head had spread to the rest of his body. “Please, just listen to me.”

“Listen?” Hide scoffed. “I’ve been trying to get you to talk to me for years. _Decades_. What makes you think I’m still interested in listening?”

Hide started to walk away from him.

“Wait!” Kaneki cried out and made a grab for Hide’s arm. He missed, his foot slipping on a patch of ice, and he began to fall.

Suddenly, there was a heavy pressure around his chest and the world spun. Kaneki felt the impact of something hard against the left side of his body and the air was knocked from his lungs. His ears were ringing, but the sound faded and he heard his name being called.

“...ki! Ohfuck, Kaneki!”

Kaneki blinked and Hide’s face swam into focus.

“ _Kaneki!_ ” Hide’s voice broke and his face was flushed red with exertion. “Kaneki, can you hear me?”

“Please, stop yelling,” Kaneki croaked. His mouth was dry and the rest of his body felt numb or achey and _cold._ How had he not noticed how cold he was?

Kaneki allowed himself be pulled into a sitting position. The movement didn’t unsettle him this time, but he was glad that Hide did not let go of his shoulders. They were still out on the roof, but the world seemed a bit dimmer somehow.

“Hide-” The dryness of Kaneki's throat hurt and he coughed. Hide shook his head.

“You were sleepwalking. Let’s get you back inside.”

With Hide’s assistance, Kaneki was able to clamber back through the window into his room. His limbs felt weak and numbed by the cold. Every inch of his skin seemed to hurt and the sensation was further enhanced by the fact that his pajamas were sodden with melted snow. He clenched his jaw to keep his teeth from chattering.

Hide shut the window and moved past him, walking out into the hall. “Get out of those clothes. I’m going to grab a towel and make some coffee.”

Kaneki tried to protest but he coughed again. He caught his breath in time for Hide to reappear with an armful of towels.

“Hide, I’m fine.” Kaneki forced his voice to steady, but he couldn’t mask the coarse sound of his throat. “You don’t need to do anything.”

Hide wrapped a towel around Kaneki’s shoulders. He carded his fingers through his hair to check how wet it was. “You might have hypothermia.”

“You should go back to bed. I’m _fine,_ ” Kaneki lied. He felt awful and he knew that he sounded petulant, but he was ashamed that Hide had once again been forced to come to his rescue.

Hide frowned and unfolded another towel so that he could pat Kaneki’s hair dry. “Kaneki, you shouldn’t be alone. I’ll make some coffee and-”

Kaneki took a step backwards, moving out of Hide’s reach. “I don’t have hypothermia. Ghouls don’t get sick.”

“Maybe ghouls who weren’t in a medically-induced coma for surgery just a week ago!” Hide snapped, raising his voice. “Do you even know how long you were out there?”

Hide made a frustrated sound that was verbalized partially through his prosthetic and partially through his nose. Kaneki watched a muscle in Hide’s jaw tighten and it dawned on him that he wasn’t wearing a scarf. His heart skipped a beat and he knew that he shouldn’t stare but he couldn’t help but look. The scarring on Hide’s neck was still prominent, but his face had almost completely healed over. As long as no one looked too closely, the scars that remained on his jaw and cheekbones could be mistaken for an unusual sunburn.

Kaneki stared wide-eyed at Hide. He pulled the towel tightly around himself and forced his shivering to subside. “I- I don’t… I don’t know.”

Hide tensed when he realized that Kaneki was looking at his mouth. He forced himself to relax and slowly extended his hand and put it on Kaneki's shoulder.

Kaneki squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. He felt Hide pull away.

“I’m going to make coffee. I’ll be back in a few minutes, okay?”

Hide left the room, having decided that since Kaneki was lucid enough to argue with him, then he was probably well enough to change his clothes without any help. Besides, Kaneki had always been tougher than he looked. Hide’s footsteps were heavy on the stairs as he took them two at a time, but then he paused at the bottom. He stood there for a moment, listening for movement upstairs. Once he heard the faint rustle of fabric, Hide let out a breath and continued towards the kitchen.

Hide let his mind wander as his hands worked automatically. He was too tired to bother with the fancy whole-bean coffee that Kaneki and the Quinx preferred, so he brought out the instant coffee that he had purchased for himself. He set the kettle on the stove and spooned the powder into two mugs, sighing when some of it spilled onto the counter. Hide brushed the mess into the sink and then licked some of the excess powder off of his fingers. He touched his thumb to his lips and wondered how badly Kaneki would react if he were to put a scarf on now. What would be the best way to say ‘this isn’t about you’?

The water wasn’t quite boiling yet, but Hide was tired of waiting. He poured the water into the mugs, gave each one a quick stir with a spoon, and then carried both mugs upstairs. The door to Kaneki’s room was shut.

“I’m here,” Kaneki called from inside Hide’s bedroom.

When Hide had first come here with Marude years ago, he had slept in the master bedroom on the first floor. He did little much else besides sleep those first few weeks. Marude slept on the couch, claiming that he didn’t want to get too comfortable in the enemy’s house, but Hide knew it was so that he could be close by. After he had begun to heal and was a bit more mobile, Hide moved into one of the upstairs bedrooms, selecting the one with the best view of the mountains. It was also the only room in the entire house with a desk. Sometimes, Hide would sit there for hours, looking out the window and writing letters to the people he missed back home. Whenever he finished writing, he would lean out the open window and burn the letters to ashes, knowing that it would be too dangerous to actually mail one. Most of the letters had been addressed to Kaneki.

“Sorry,” Kaneki said. He was seated at the desk wearing dry clothes and Hide’s orange housecoat. “I didn’t really want to be in there anymore.”

“That’s fine.” Hide was relieved to see that Kaneki had stop shivering and that some of the color had returned to his skin. He carefully handed off one of the coffees to Kaneki, making sure that his hold on the mug was secure before letting go. He held the other one in both hands and sat down on the bed.

"So," Kaneki began hesitantly, "What happened?"

"I heard you out on the roof. I managed to grab you before you fell off."

"Sorry," Kaneki said in a small voice. His stomach clenched as he noticed for the first time the scratches on Hide's left arm. He rotated the mug in his hands and reminded himself not to stare when Hide spoke, though he was sorely tempted. "I'm glad your bell idea worked. I think I lost it outside, though."

Hide glanced at Kaneki's feet and saw that the bell was gone. He sighed a little when he also saw that Kaneki had once again neglected to put on socks. He got up and went to the dresser, setting his mug on top so that he could rummage around in the drawers.

"Actually, I didn't hear the bell. I heard you call my name," Hide admitted. He knelt down in front of Kaneki and gestured for him to uncross his ankles. "Geeze, your feet are like ice. Drink your coffee."

Kaneki was silent as Hide carefully tugged a sock onto each of his feet. His eyes were drawn to the top of Hide’s head, focusing in on the point where the golden locks of hair radiated outward from, and felt an impulse to press a kiss there. Kaneki ignored the feeling and drank some of the coffee, which did help to make him feel better. Better physically, anyway, since emotionally he still felt like a dumpster fire.

“I’m sorry, Hide.” Kaneki wondered how many more times he would have to apologize until it felt like enough. He stared down at the mismatched socks, one black and one striped. “You keep having to rescue me… I wanted to be stronger by the time you got back.”

Hide suppressed the urge to sigh. He shrugged and got back up on the bed. “I’ve never needed you to be strong. You don’t need to protect me.”

“Then what do you need me for?” Kaneki felt like crying, but more than that he felt exhausted. And cold. “What am I to you?"

“You’re my best friend,” Hide replied automatically, knowing even as he spoke that it was an insufficient answer.

“Am I?” Kaneki continued to stare at the socks as he waited for Hide’s response, but he didn’t say anything. So, Kaneki took one last sip of the coffee before setting it on the desk. The mug was still half filled, but it was all that he could stomach at the moment. “Sorry to keep you up.”

“Do you want to sleep here?” Hide asked suddenly. Kaneki turned to him in surprise and he became flustered. “Because hypothermia. Here, in this room, I mean. Not here as in the house, since you’re already here. In the house.”

Kaneki blinked at him. “I don’t want to kick you out of your bed.”

“I thought maybe we could share? If you want to, that is,” Hide amended. “Because hypothermia.”

“Because hypothermia,” Kaneki repeated. He considered it for a moment, then nodded. “I do feel a bit chilled.”

Kaneki took off the housecoat and climbed into bed first while Hide straightened up the room a bit and turned out the lights. He felt the dip in the mattress when Hide lied down next to him.

Hide yelped and jerked his foot away when it accidentally came into contact with Kaneki's. “How do your feet still feel so cold through the socks? Turn over.”

“Beg pardon?”

“I… I’m going to spoon you,” Hide said lowly, like it was a threat. “Because hypothermia. A-And advanced sleepwalking prevention techniques. Turn over.”

Kaneki obediently rolled onto his side. His heart thumped wildly in his chest as he waited in the dark for Hide to embrace him.

Hide awkwardly shuffled alongside Kaneki so that they were pressed together. After some hesitation, he slipped his arm around Kaneki’s chest but was unsure where to put his hand until he felt Kaneki's hand close over his own, intertwining their fingers and holding him close.

Kaneki sighed and let himself relax. He had forgotten how nice it was to held by someone, especially someone who had a much healthier core temperature. He smiled a little at the feeling of Hide’s heart, beating just as fast as his own. Strangely, he still felt like crying, but now for a different reason.

“You’re an idiot,” Kaneki whispered.

“You’re a bigger idiot,” Hide whispered back. His breath tickled Kaneki’s neck. “Shit, you really are cold though. We should probably get you back to Tokyo tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Kaneki flexed his fingers. Hide gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

“It’ll be alright. We’ll be alright.”

. . . . . . . . . .


	4. A year in review, told in reverse.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Between him and her indeed there was that total missing of each other’s mental track, which is too evidently possible even between persons who are continually thinking of each other.” - Middlemarch

.::One Month Ago | January | Denver::.

 

Tsukiyama watched the scene before him with growing concern and wondered how he would frame it later when telling the story. Currently, the lead contender was 'what do alcoholic beverages, broken glass, and Hide’s head all have in common?' Answer: they were all on the floor of his penthouse hotel room.

Hide, as far as Tsukiyama knew, had no historical record of ever being involved in any kind of dancing competition. Yet when challenged by Chie to show off his breakdancing skills, Hide readily accepted and immediately attempted to perform a head spin. Tsukiyama decided to intervene when Hide’s upside-down flailing took him too close to the wall, his shoe smashing into the protective glass cover of a fire alarm.

Some of the party attendees gathered around Hide and they whooped and hollered over the sound of the music, further encouraging his antics. However, Hide had quickly given up on the idea of breakdancing and instead he lay spread-eagle on the floor, making a snow angel in the broken glass and some kind of blue alcoholic beverage (he had also kicked several people’s drinks out of their hands).

“But I haven’t finished my blue drink!” Hide whined when Tsukiyama politely suggested that they retire from the party. His yellow hoodie was very quickly becoming a green one.

“I think you’ve had enough blue drink, _lapin,_ ” Tsukiyama said with a laugh. Although he was also inebriated, he was still considerably less drunk than Hide. And he had the added advantage of ghoul strength.

“Woah!” Hide yelped as Tsukiyama hoisted him onto his feet in a miracle of physics. “Do I even weigh anything to you?”

“Not really. You feel like a pillowcase full of bread.”

“Yeah, that checks out. I wish I was in bread right now. A nice rye. Nicer eye. Ryeeeee.” Hide nodded and the movement jostled his depth perception enough that he stumbled and almost fell.

Tsukiyama put an arm around Hide’s shoulders and steered him out of the crowd, towards the door that would lead them out to the elevators. They were waylaid by a few people who wanted to congratulate Tsukiyama on success of the expo. He graciously thanked them but would then say that he was currently preoccupied with helping his very drunk friend (here, Hide would groan theatrically) and they quickly moved on.

One elevator ride later, Tsukiyama delivered Hide to the threshold of his hotel room. He couldn’t discern from Hide’s mumbling what had happened to his keycard, so Tsukiyama made a small, flat kagune blade and stuck it in between the door and the frame, next to the lock. He wriggled it until the lock clicked free.

“Shimmy, shimmy, Shuu. Shimmy, shimmy, Shuu,” Hide chanted as he did this.

Once inside, Tsukiyama made Hide remove his blue drink stained sweatshirt before going to the mini fridge and pulling out two bottles of water. He cracked one open and handed it to Hide, who had successfully changed into a clean shirt and was sitting on the bed.

“Tha--” Hide covered his mouth for a burp and waited for the contents of his stomach to settle before speaking again. “Thank you.”

Tsukiyama smiled and reclined on the bed next to Hide, leaning back against the headboard. “I didn’t think you would come, but I’m glad you did. You don’t strike me as someone who enjoys these kinds of parties.”

“You just used me as an excuse to leave your own party,” Hide said, rather astutely for someone who was currently experiencing trouble with gravity. “So I guess you’re not the party type either.”

“Not anymore,” Tsukiyama sighed. “Well, not drinking parties, at least. I think I’m ready to commit entirely to cocktail parties.”

“Isn’t a cocktail party a drinking party?”

“Yes, but it’s fancier.”

“I see.” Hide sipped his water carefully and grimaced at the taste. “I hate it when water just tastes like your mouth.”

“My mouth?” Tsukiyama stifled a yawn.

“No, _my_ mouth.” Hide yawned, but felt that something was off. He pat his face and neck and found that his scarf was missing. “Shit. When the fuck did..?”

“Chie won it from you when you failed at breakdancing. It’s probably on E-bay already.”

“What but I was so good!”

“The dancing was questionable, but you certainly did break a few things.”

Tsukiyama watched Hide try to tug his shirt collar high enough so that it would cover his face. He swatted at his hands. “Stop that, you’ll stretch it out.”

“Name of your sex tape.” Hide giggled and spilled water on his shirt.

Tsukiyama sighed and removed his own floral scarf from where it was artfully draped on his neck and shoulders. “You may borrow this, but don’t get any bodily fluids on it. This scarf is Hermes.”

“Ooh, thank you!” Hide gratefully received the scarf. He wound it around his face and neck with a practiced motion, his fingers moving with the accuracy of muscle memory despite his current drunken state. He sighed with relief when everything was in place. “Thanks. Just feels better, y’know?”

“You don’t need to explain yourself to me,” Tsukiyama said with a shrug. Though he would be lying if he said that he didn’t wonder why Hide still insisted on wearing a scarf despite most of his face being healed. “Your reasons are your own.”

Hide tugged on the scarf, shifting it so that he could still drink from the water bottle. “Ugh. I dunno if I’m ready to go home, but I do need a break from the partying.”

“Do all of your fundraisers turn into hotel room parties?”

“Not usually.” Hide slid down the headboard, letting himself melt into the pillows. “I think I’m just tired.”

Tsukiyama’s lips quirked into a smile. “Maybe you’re just getting old.”

“Fuck you.” Hide grinned. He yawned again and rubbed at his eyes. “I turn thirty this year. Doesn’t feel real.”

“I’m about to turn thirty-two. How do you think _I_ feel?”

“You should really take advantage of the senior discount at retail centers.”

“Hide, I have a great deal of respect for you, but sometimes I fantasize about killing you.”

“I’m gonna put you in a home, old man.”

Tsukiyama sighed. “I’ve only been away from Tokyo for a few weeks and I’m already exhausted. I can’t imagine how you’ve been able to keep this up for a year.”

“Having a reason not to go back helps.” Hide realized that Tsukiyama was looking at him curiously. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that. I do miss Japan, I just… things weren’t great when I left.”

“You mean with Kaneki,” Tsukiyama surmised, careful not to phrase it like a question.

“Yeah.” Hide’s admission sat heavily on his chest. He stared hazily at the lamp on top of the nightstand. “Sometimes it just feels like there’s so much more out here, in the world. More than there ever was for me back home and it’s like… I dunno. In Tokyo, things were always the same. And things are still gonna be the same when I go back.”

“It is difficult to talk to Kaneki,” Tsukiyama acknowledged. “However, I believe that he values _your_ council above all others.”

Hide snorted. “Yeah right. He hasn’t talked to me at all since I left.”

“And you’ve tried talking to him?”

“Don’t you logic at me.” Hide blinked his eyes slowly, feeling sleep come over him. “He shouldn’t have said… Never mind. He didn’t mean it.”

“Didn’t mean what?” Tsukiyama asked.

Hide was quiet for a long time. Tsukiyama thought that he’d fallen asleep, but he looked down at the pillow pile and was alarmed to find that Hide was crying.

“Don’t look at me!” Hide wailed, throwing an arm over his eyes to hide himself.

“Are you alright?” Tsukiyama hoped that this was just a drunk cry and not an actual emotional meltdown. He decided not to point out that Hide had already violated their No Bodily Fluids contract.

“No. I mean, yeah. Probably.” Hide sniffled, tears still running down his face. “I... I wish that love had been enough, y’know?”

Tsukiyama smiled sadly. “It rarely is.”

 

 

 

.::Two Months Ago | December | Tokyo::.

 

Kaneki opened and closed his eyes slowly as he stared up at the ceiling. His body was exhausted but he couldn't get his mind to settle. His thoughts shifted restlessly, moving from the book he was reading to the nurses' rotation schedule to that time he had said something embarrassing in front of the class when he was thirteen. He considered counting the ceiling tiles again, but he doubted that the number would have changed from when he had last counted them.

Kaneki opted for a change of scenery and turned slowly onto his right side. He was careful not to put any additional strain on the left side of his stomach, which was covered in medical gauze and still ached from the surgery two days ago. The clock on the bedside table told him that it was almost four in the morning. Since this information was useless to him except to serve as a reminder that he still wasn't asleep at almost four in the morning, Kaneki reached out his hand and prodded the device until it was hidden behind a vase of flowers.

This was a slight improvement. Kaneki didn't much like the flowers either. They were a bouquet of sunflowers and he couldn't remember who’d sent them, though the information was probably written on one of the birthday cards that he didn't want to read. He did know that they weren't from the person he wanted them to be from. Hide hadn't contacted him at all.

_What were you even expecting? Why did you think he would suddenly want to talk to you?_

Kaneki gripped the white hospital sheets in his hands as his vision blurred.

_Crying again, of course. Do you never stop crying?_

Kaneki's body shook as he quietly wept. He bit down on the pillow to muffle his sobs, mindful of the chance that someone might hear him out in the corridor. When he was nineteen years old, crying himself to sleep had just been a part of his daily routine. At twenty-nine, it seemed he would only get the sleep if he was lucky.

 

 

 

.::Six Months Ago | August | Berlin::.

 

As Hide stepped outside of the banquet hall, he breathed a sigh of relief. He crossed the balcony in a few quick strides and the glass door closed behind him, dulling the noise of the crowd inside to a murmur. He leaned out over the parapet and took in the view of the city spread out before him, filled with lights, alive and glowing in the night. The wind kicked up and Hide tugged down his scarf so that he could enjoy the feeling of cool air on his face. He closed his eyes and focused on taking slow, deep breaths. Usually, he enjoyed these sorts of events, but tonight it seemed to wear on him.

There was a short burst of sound as the balcony door opened and closed again.

“There you are.”

“Here I am,” Hide said brightly, turning towards the speaker. He had hoped to have a bit more time to himself, but hanging out with Adrian was pretty nice.

“Hiding from your own party?” Adrian pocketed his earpiece and smoothed his perfectly coiffed hair. He leaned out onto the parapet as well, eyes automatically going to the TV tower that stuck out in the skyline. “You must have a good reason, since I’m the one who went through the trouble of putting this all together for you.”

Hide shrugged. “I’m afraid we’ve run out of that punch I like.”

“Orangina is not a punch. And I know for a fact that there are still several bottles of it in the kitchen.” Adrian nudged Hide’s shoe with his own. Then he straightened and reached for the inside pocket of his suit jacket, extracting a cigarette and lighter. He looked to Hide for permission with an almost sheepish expression.

“Go ahead.” Hide watched Adrian repeatedly flick the lighter as he struggled to keep a flame going in the wind. Hide stepped closer to him and cupped his hands around the cigarette, shielding it. “I didn’t know you smoked.”

Adrian lit the cigarette and took a long drag before exhaling through his nose. The smoke was carried away on the wind. “Thank you. I usually don’t, but I like to treat myself whenever I complete a particularly challenging job.”

“It’s not done yet. We still have two more hours to hit our target goal.”

“That’s what I came to tell you,” Adrian said with a satisfied smirk, “ _Fräulein_ Fischer just pledged three hundred thousand.”

Hide’s eyes widened and he put his hand onto the railing to steady himself. “ _What!_ Are you serious? She--! That’s--!”

"Congratulations, Hide. You'll get your orphanage and then some."

"I-!” Hide said something indiscernible that was less a word and more a jumble of sounds. “Holy shit, I thought Fischer didn't even like me."

“No, she doesn't particularly care for you. She finds you ‘uncouth.’” Adrian paused, taking a moment to fully appreciate the conflicting mixture of pride and outrage in Hide's expression. "However, _Fräulein_ Fischer does care a great deal about children. And _you_ convinced her to care about ghoul children."

"That's-!" Hide threw his arms up and laughed. He embraced Adrian with enough enthusiasm that the cigarette was dropped and they both stumbled sideways into the parapet. Hide started to pull away, but Adrian's arms were linked around his waist.

"Sorry, got a little carried away," Hide apologized, his hands still resting on Adrian's shoulders. Adrian smiled and shook his head.

"Don't be." Adrian closed the distance between them, pressing a soft kiss to Hide's lips.

Hide tensed and made a small sound. This prompted Adrian to pull back slightly, but he kept his arms around Hide.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes!” Hide’s voice was significantly higher than usual and his face flushed red. He let out an awkward laugh. “Sorry! I, uh, I haven’t done this in a while. I’ve only had the new mouth for a few months, y’know?”

The concern on Adrian's face gave way to bewilderment. “Hide, have you not been kissed before?”

“I have so been kissed!” Hide rebuffed him with such indignation that Adrian couldn't help but laugh. “I just… I’ve never been kissed by someone who actually liked me.”

“I am finding that very difficult to believe.” Adrian smiled, but Hide avoided his gaze. “Wait, truly?”

“I-I’m trying to bring about a world-wide social revolution. I just- I haven’t had time.” Hide took a step backwards, moving out of Adrian's embrace. His scars itched. He wanted to go further down the balcony, to the edge where there were fewer lights. Adrian caught his hand.

“We have some time now,” Adrian said softly.

Hide remembered his first kiss. Kaneki had just moved into his first apartment and Hide had been helping him move. At the time, he had thought that Kaneki kissed him back, but now he wasn’t sure. He remembered the shame on Kaneki's face.

Hide wondered what it would be like to fall in love with someone like Adrian.

“I have a flight tomorrow morning.”

Adrian raised Hide’s hand to his mouth, lips brushing over knuckles as he spoke. “Then, we have tonight.”

Hide swallowed.

 

 

 

.::Eight Months Ago | June | Moscow::.

 

Hide had three phones: one for international work, one for TSC work, and his own personal phone. The former two were satellite phones that worked virtually anywhere. His own flip phone was scratched on the outside and covered in stickers, but it still worked in most of the cities he traveled to.

The day of Hide’s birthday, all three phones received an abundance of calls and texts. However, Hide had the foresight to set them all on silent and scheduled himself an off day. He stayed inside his hotel room, watching cartoons and eating in bed, calling for room service whenever he needed anything.

Later in the afternoon, Hide took a leisurely bath. His personal phone was the least active of the three, so he held it carefully above the water with both hands and played through a dating sim app. He cleared any notifications that he received, automatically swiping them away without pausing to read them.

Until the name _Kaneki_ appeared on a text alert.

Hide almost dropped the phone. It didn’t hit the water, but it was definitely splashed when Hide flailed while grappling for it. He hurriedly grabbed a towel and wiped his phone and hands dry, leaning over the edge of the tub to remove the threat of submersion. It was a text from Kaneki.

_> 15:14 Please call me_

Hide’s hands were trembling as he pressed the call button and lifted the phone to his ear. He could hear the drumming of his own heart over the ringing of the phone and he wished that he’d thought to get out of the tub because now he felt too warm and his mouth was dry even though the rest of him was wet-

“ _Sorry to trick you, but you weren’t answering your phone,”_ said a woman’s voice.

Hide took a moment to center himself. He closed his eyes and swallowed back a scream. He hated how hopeful he had felt.

“ _Hide?”_

“Hey, Kimi. Is Kaneki okay?”

“ _He’s stable.”_

A lead weight dropped into Hide’s stomach.

“ _To sum it up real quick, we’ve been monitoring Kaneki’s last Dragon organ and it went haywire last week.”_

“Monitoring?” Hide gripped the edge of the tub. “I thought you were going to remove it.”

“ _Kaneki decided to go forward with the plan to track the abnormalities.”_

“Of course he did. What happened?”

“ _It’s evolving_ _an at incredible rate!_ _”_ Kimi said, sounding far more in awe than Hide thought was appropriate. _“_ _That’s what happened with the other two as well, but we just couldn’t see it! The thing about the Dragon that makes my job so difficult is its constantly evolving DNA. And Kaneki’s_ _molecular_ _profile has changed a lot in just the few years that I’ve had access to him, but never at this level. It’s astounding how-”_

“Kimi.”

“ _Right. So, the Dragon organs started changing at an accelerated rate to the point where Kaneki's body registered them as foreign entities and rejected them, causing organ failure. And now the same thing is happening with the third one except, well, worse because it’s a lot more aggressive and there are tumors.”_

Hide waited for Kimi to continue but the line was silent. “Okay. What next?”

“ _Kaneki collapsed_ _this morning and everything’s gone critical._ _We’re prepping_ _him_ _for surgery right now.”_

Hide wanted to scream for a different reason now. The surgeries were dangerous. RC suppressant on its own was no longer enough to slow Kaneki’s latent healing abilities and incisions would heal almost as quickly as they were made. Kaneki sometimes had to be put into a medically-induced coma in order for an operation to be possible. Hide rubbed a hand over his eyes. “Can I talk to him?”

“ _No, Hide,”_ Kimi said gently. _“I’m sorry but we’ve been keeping him under.”_

"Oh."

There was a brief silence during which Hide tried his best not to audibly cry.

_"Should I not have called you? You're basically the closest thing Kaneki has to next of kin…"_

"No. I mean, yes. Thank you for calling me, Kimi. Let me know how it goes."

_"Okay. I'll keep you updated on his progress, but from my phone this time."_

Hide forced a laugh. "Yeah, okay. Thanks."

Hide ended the call and let his phone drop onto the bath mat. He sighed and sunk down into the water as far as he could without submerging his prosthetic. He wanted to dip his entire head in but didn't think that drowning in a bath would be a great way to spend his birthday. He thought about Kaneki lying unconscious on a cold, steel operating table an entire continent away.

 _It's the same_ , Hide thought. _Whether I'm in Tokyo or on the other side of the world, I'm still useless to him. I can't do anything._

Hide decided that crying during a bath was more embarrassing than crying during a shower since it was harder to pretend that it was just more water. He unplugged the tub and put on a bathrobe. For the next eight hours, Hide laid on the bed and watched cartoons, occasionally checking his phone for texts from Kimi.

 

 

 

.::Eleven Months Ago | March | Tokyo::.

 

“Is he really not coming? He wouldn’t really miss it, right?”

“Urie said he’d grab him from the clinic on his way here.”

“I bet he’s not even home.”

“The clinic isn’t his home.”

“So when is he moving out?”

Saiko, Hsiao, Yusa, and Higemaru crowded together on a couch in the great room of the chateau. Saiko’s laptop was open and ready on the coffee table, already logged into Skype. The four of the eagerly monitored the list of online friends as they waited for Hide to log on.

There was the sound of the front door, followed by Urie’s call of, “I’m home!”

“Welcome back!” Saiko yelled. “Were you successful in your mission?”

“No,” Urie said as he stepped into the room, “He wasn’t at the clinic and he isn’t answering his phone. Nishino hadn’t even realized that he’d gone out.”

“Called it,” Higemaru said. “Those two are so _weird_ about each other.”

“Nishiki told me they had a fight right before Hide left,” Yusa revealed.

“A fight about what?”

“He didn’t know, but he doesn’t think they’ve spoken since then.”

A jingle began to play on Saiko’s computer.

“ _Shh_ , Hide’s calling!” Saiko hissed. “Everyone, be _cool_.”

Saiko accepted the call and Hide’s heavily pixelated face filled the screen.

“Hey, guys!” Hide said cheerily, waving both of his hands. He laughed when all the Quinx began to speak at once. “Woah, slow down! My connection is a little buggy, who all is there?”

“Saiko is here, so does anyone else really matter?” Saiko forced a laugh waved her arm at Urie, who still stood out of view, in a desperate “ _do something!”_ sort of way. The rest of the Quinx began to sound off and tried to stall for time by bombarding Hide with questions.

“Hide, you’re in Beijing, right?”

“Have you done any sightseeing? How’s the food?”

“ _Do what?”_ Urie mouthed back. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and quickly took it out. It was a text from Kaneki.

_> 21:03 Sorry. _

Urie resisted the urge to crush the phone in his hand. Instead, he put the phone back in his pocket and stepped into the great room. He took his place behind the Quinx, leaning forward over the back of the couch.

“Oh, hey Urie!” Hide’s face was mostly in focus and he waved at Urie.

“Hey, Nagachika.”

“I’m glad you could make it! Is anyone else coming?”

Urie saw Hide’s eyes focus somewhere to the left of where he was standing, looking for someone else to come into view. Urie wondered how much of a lie he could get away with.

“Not this time. There was an incident and some people couldn’t make it. Not that it was a _big_ incident,” Urie explained, having realized that if there actually was an incident then Hide wouldn’t be talking to a couchful of this many Quinx. “It was a smaller, but complex incident that required the presence of a few but very specific individuals to attend to it. But also, everything’s fine.”

Urie did not look at Saiko, but he could feel the disappointment radiating off of her.

“...I see,” Hide said softly. He almost looked sad for a moment, but then it was gone. “I’m glad everything’s fine! What else have you guys been up to lately?”

 

 

 

.::One Year Ago::.

 

“Good afternoon, everyone!” Hide called out as he threw open the door to the clinic. “And how- ohgod! Sorry!”

“Hide!” Nishio all but shrieked as hurried to pull his shirt up from where it had slipped down past his shoulders. His struggle with the buttons was further impeded by his scramble to remove himself from Kimi’s lap.

“Nagachika,” Kimi said in a measured, dangerous voice. She seemed very upset to no longer have her boyfriend straddling her thighs. “What have I told you about just barging in here?”

“That... it’s bad?” Hide glanced back at the empty hallway and wondered if he should make a run for it.

“Then, what are you doing?”

“Oh, right!” Hide stepped fully inside the clinic and bowed deeply. “I came to apologize. I won’t be finishing the treatment before I leave for my trip.”

“Hide,” Kimi followed his name with an exasperated sigh, “I don’t care how ‘busy’ you are, you need to finish the treatment. If you stop now, we’ll have to start all over when you get back since we’d need time to gradually increase your natural RC levels to keep it where--”

“I’m leaving tonight,” Hide said.

“What! You- _ooh!_ ” Kimi threw a pen at Hide and it sailed past his shoulder. “Why are you like this!”

“Does Kaneki know yet?” Nishiki asked, having finished re-buttoning his shirt. He glanced at the door that lead back to the examination rooms.

“No. I’m here to tell him, too.”

“You wouldn’t have told me at all if I weren’t holding Kaneki hostage,” Kimi said dourly.

“Well, I am a little bit terrified of you, Kimi. You can’t blame me for not wanting to incur your wrath.” Hide lowered his voice. “How is he?”

“I resent that you would barge in here with terrible news and then immediately demand confidential patient information.” Kimi reached for a stack of manila envelopes at the end of her work desk. She selected the one sitting on top of the pile and handed it to Hide. “He’s doing remarkably well for someone who’s experienced organ failure twice in the last three months.”

Hide opened the envelope and skimmed through Kaneki's most recent blood work results. He still didn’t know what a lot of it meant, but at the very least he knew to check for the RC and white blood cell counts, both of which were reported at normal levels. Well, normal for Kaneki anyway. “There’s just one of those Dragon organs left in him, right? Did you figure out why they suddenly went haywire?”

“Not really. I’m still not entirely sure what their original function was. They’re filled with dormant pluripotent cells, but there’s no way to accurately replicate the conditions under which they would become active without also endangering the host body.” Kimi pouted and Nishiki rolled his eyes. “However, since the other two suddenly failed, it stands to reason that the third one is also on it’s way out. Ideally, I would like to continue monitoring the organ and examine it at the moments leading to death so that I am better able to understand its relationship with the host body, but _some_ people think that route is ‘a little sociopathic.’”

“That’s not what I said,” Nishiki cut in, “I said it was _really_ fucking sociopathic.”

“Right, so instead of that, I think we’re going to remove the last organ preemptively.”

Hide frowned at a photo of one of the bisected Dragon organs. “You haven’t decided?”

“He said he needed to think it over.”

“He- wait, what?” Hide looked up from the file.

“Kaneki was interested my idea.” Kimi shrugged. She caught the file when Hide tossed it to her on his way to the examination rooms.

All of the rooms were unoccupied, except for the one at the very back. Hide briefly rapped his knuckles on door number five before opening it anyway.

Prior to the interruption, Kaneki had apparently been in the middle of changing his clothes. He yelped and clutched a sweater to his bare chest. “Hide!”

“Kaneki!” Hide looked curiously at Kaneki's patterned boxers. “Bananas?”

Kaneki’s face reddened. “Don’t just stand there, in or out!”

“In!” Hide came fully into the room and shut the door, leaning back against it. He closed his eyes and listened for Kaneki. “What’s this I hear about you helping Kimi with a project?”

“What?”

“She talked about some experiment where she gets to watch your insides die.” Hide heard Kaneki open and close one of the stainless steel cabinets. “You’re not really letting her do that, right?”

“Why not?”

“Because that sounds really painful? Because you literally passed out from the pain?”

Kaneki paused for a moment. Then, he sighed heavily and there was the sound of fabric moving. “Yeah, that wasn’t really that fun. Either time.”

Hide snorted. He could tell by Kaneki’s tone that he was frustrated with himself. “What the heck, dude?”

“I don’t know. I think I just… It’s just that I’ve been cooped up in either a lab or a hospital ever since I woke up. I thought that if I wasn’t doing anything useful, then Kimi should at least be able to get some good data from me. I really hate...” Kaneki trailed off.

“Hate not being able to do anything?” Hide felt a pillow hit his face. He laughed and opened his eyes, snatching it out of Kaneki’s hand. “Don’t worry. They’re going to finish construction on your new apartment building next week. Soon you’ll be cleared to go back in the field and you can start annoying all your new neighbors by coming and going at weird hours.”

“Fuck you.” Kaneki was dressed in dark jeans and a band t-shirt that Hide had gifted him. He smiled, eyes bright.

Hide didn’t let himself feel the ache. "Hey... I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to cancel on movie night."

"That's okay.” Kaneki shrugged and started to pull a sweater over his head. “We can just get a coffee or something."

"No, I mean I'm leaving tonight."

Kaneki's sound of protest was muffled by the sweater. He yanked the collar down, mussing his hair. "Tonight? But you're not supposed to leave for two more weeks."

Hide held the pillow in front of himself for protection. "I know and I'm sorry. But if I go now, then I'll be able to make it to this child welfare conference in Taipei and I really, _really_ want to do my presentation on revamping their intake process for ghoul orphans."

Kaneki’s expression was so forlorn that, for a moment, Hide was tempted to hug him. However, in his older and therefore wiser years, Hide had figured out that the secret to happiness was Expectation Management. He had realized that touching Kaneki made him want things, made him _expect_ things things that couldn’t possibly happen. So, he tried to minimize that contact as much as possible.

"Alright, alright," Kaneki relented, but not without pouting. He yanked the pillow away from Hide and tossed it back onto the examination table that currently served as his bed. "I suppose helping the disenfranchised takes priority over movie night."

"And who is more disenfranchised than ghoul orphans?"

"Well, there's-"

"I wasn't really asking. But thank you!" In the space where he would usually hug Kaneki, Hide folded his hands behind his head. “You wanna walk me out?”

“Of course. Uh, but first there’s… there’s something I want to tell you. I was going to tell you tonight, but I suppose I should do it now.” Kaneki paused and waited for Hide’s indication to continue. “Thank you. I should have told you this a long time ago, but I- I wasn’t ready and I didn’t know what it meant. And now I do.”

Kaneki’s face was flushed and he took a breath to steady himself.

“Hide, I love you.”

Hide went very still and stared wide-eyed at Kaneki. Then, he seemed to remember himself and cleared his throat.

“Uh. Love you too, dude.” Hide lowered his arms and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Not knowing what else to do with his hands, he shoved them into his pockets.

“N-no, Hide, I… I’m _in love_ with you.” Kaneki's face was now fully red. His hands trembled and clutched at the hem of his sweater.

“You’re not,” Hide informed him. His voice was without inflection.

Kaneki stared disbelievingly at him. “I… what?”

“Is this because of my trip?” Hide asked gently. “Because I’m leaving?”

“I- I don’t… what?”

Hide sighed and looked away from Kaneki, focusing instead on a stack of books that sat on one of the steel countertops. “Look, I get it. It’s been less than a year since Touka left and you’re also going through some scary medical stuff right now. But I’m not actually leaving you, it’s just for work. You’re not dying and I’m coming back, so you don’t have to- to say something like that.”

Kaneki was close to tears, but he spoke slowly and made an effort to choose his words carefully. “Hide, I… I understand why you would think that, but I promise that this is s-something I’ve given a lot of consideration. That night, down in the sewers--”

“Oh, then this is some kind of weird ‘I saved your life and now you owe me’ thing, right?” Hide almost laughed. He was beginning to feel a bit hysterical. He wanted to leave.

“No. It’s not,” Kaneki said, his voice rough but certain. He came a step closer and reached for Hide’s hand. “Hide, I-”

“Don’t-!” Hide flinched away from Kaneki, knocking back into the door.

Kaneki stared at Hide in shock. He blinked and tears began to roll down his cheeks, following the paths marked by his scars. Kaneki bowed his head so that his hair fell in his face and he folded his arms over his chest.

“Sorry,” Kaneki said wetly. Tears dripped from his nose and chin. “Sorry. I… I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Hide shook his head. He hadn’t meant to react like that. “It- It’s not… we can talk later, okay? I- I have to go.”

Kaneki nodded, no longer trusting himself to speak.

Hide went into auto-pilot. He barely remembered leaving the clinic. Nishiki might have tried to say something to him on his way out, but he wasn’t sure. The next thing he knew, he was standing inside the elevator and pressing the button for the ground floor. His hand was shaking. The elevator began to rise.

It moved upwards for a floor or two, but then Hide mashed his fist on the emergency stop button. The elevator buzzed once and jerked to a stop, then everything went still and quiet.

Hide slumped against a wall and slid down to the floor. He pulled his knees to his chest and hid his face in his hands, tugging his scarf up so that it covered his eyes as well. His shoulders trembled with his sobbing.

 

 

 

.::Two Weeks Ago::.

 

When his plane finally touched down at Narita International Airport, Hide’s intentions were to go straight to his apartment and catch up on sleep for the next month. However, somewhere in the trek between customs and the crowded baggage carousel, he remembered how nice the mountains had been in Denver. He had gone hiking there and liked how quiet it was. It might be nice to visit that house in Yamanouchi sometime soon.

_Why not now?_

Hide yawned and leaned his head against the cool glass of the window. It was four hours north, but Hide had luckily been able to get a seat on the next train out. His gaze was tired and unfocused as he stared out at the apple orchards as they passed by. The last time Hide was here, it had been summer and the trees were in full bloom. Now, the trees were bare and blanketed in snow.

Hide’s destination lay at the end of the miles and miles of apple trees, in a small town nestled at the base of the mountains. He took a taxi from the station and dictated the route to the driver since he couldn’t remember the address. The taxi carried him a little ways into the woods on the outside of town and deposited in front of a western-style vacation home.

Hide trudged up the driveway to the front porch, pulling his suitcase behind him. The house looked very much the same as the last time he’d seen it. The surrounding landscape was unkempt and all the shutters were closed on the first floor windows, expect for the small one in the front door that was colored with a decorative stained glass. He stopped at the base of the steps and remembered that there was a key hidden inside of a decorative rock.

Hide kicked away the snow, turning over rocks with his shoe, reluctant to touch anything with his ungloved hands until absolutely necessary. However, minutes passed and he still couldn't find the rock. He got on his knees and dug through the snow with his hands. He turned over rock after rock, all of them identical.

_Fucking useless._

Hide sighed heavily. Then, he hefted a rock in one hand and threw it as hard as he could at the front door. The stained glass window shattered. Hide trudged up the steps and reached through the window to unlock the door.

Hide dragged his luggage inside, heedless of the broken shards that littered the floor, and closed the door before dragging himself up the stairs. Muscle memory took him into the same bedroom that he had slept in all those years ago. Hide managed to take off his shoes and coat before lying down on top of the bed. He closed his eyes and fell asleep within seconds.


End file.
